Living Funerals and Seizenso
Transcript
Content Warning: Death, Euthanasia, Suicide, Terminal Illness
“Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what’s left and live it properly.” - Marcus Aurelius
In life, the one thing we are guaranteed is the inevitable approach of death. Our knowledge that we are temporary is something which is claimed to separate us from other creatures, the awareness of which can bring us both great fear and clarity about the choices we want to make in our lives. Many thinkers on this topic believe that many modern societies have created a state where death is considered a taboo topic and discussion is discouraged, and that this prohibits us from having positive conversations about death and accepting it in a healthy manner.
To some extent, this is already changing. For instance, the phrase memento mori - remember death - has entered social consciousness in a big way, as people have adopted it as a way to encourage living life to its fullest before it’s over.
What if you took it one step further though? What if, in the fullest embrace of the finite nature of human life, you held a funeral for yourself while you were alive? Believe it or not, it’s a practice that’s gaining growing acceptance.
Funerals and eulogies evoke a sense of unease, but also of regret. It’s unfortunately far too common that when people pass, we regret the things we didn’t tell them, or that they didn’t get to see the love and support that would commemorate them when they’re gone. In fact, when you think about it, it’s kind of an odd concept. Why do we wait to have funerals for people until they won’t be here to hear the life-affirming words people have to say about them, and the people saying the words are commonly left with a heavy regret that they didn’t speak them to the person while they were alive. It’s almost as if we’re afraid that eulogizing the living will take them from us sooner. So, it’s only natural that some people should wish to reverse the order.
Pre-death funerals as they’re practiced today go by a number of names - including living funerals and celebrations of life. The practice is also known by the Japanese name seizenso - which roughly means “funeral while living”. Increasingly, living funerals are being performed for those who are suffering from a terminal illness or otherwise known to be approaching the end of their life.
By deliberately planning a funeral before one’s death, both the dying person and their loved ones have unique opportunities. Often, the dying person will choose to speak about the people in their life and the impact they had - something which may bring closure to those left behind, and which is not often considered at traditional funerals. The celebrants (as they are often referred to, rather than mourners) are commonly encouraged to have a celebratory attitude and share funny memories and tell stories of important moments. Everybody present may get an opportunity to talk to the dying person face to face and thank them, forgive them, or otherwise put their affairs with the person in order and resolve them in a way that brings peace to everybody.
The first I recall hearing of this sort of thing was back in 2016, when I read a Washington Post article about a woman who was dying from ALS and wanted to have more control over the end of her life. She invited friends over for a party to celebrate her life - with the only rule being that her friends could not cry around her. They had food and drink, listened to live music, watched movies, and shared intimate words. As the end of the night approached, she was taken to a bedroom surrounded by her family and doctor, where she took a prescription drug cocktail which would sedate her and then cause her to die several hours later. She was one of the first in the state of California to do so under the End of Life Options Act, choosing to end her life before ALS would progress to the point of locking her into a body she could not use.
At the time, it had a profound impact on me. I’ve struggled with fairly strong death anxiety since I was a teenager, and I read this article at a time when I was struggling with it in a particularly heavy way. I remember thinking not only about the remarkable amount of grace and composure she showed in accepting what was happening to her, but also the atmosphere she created; that her loved ones would be able to come together and celebrate her life as it was attached to all of theirs. How they could seek closure and comfort in choosing the words they’d say to her last, and how she’d actually benefit from hearing all the things that are said about a person at a funeral. I remembered how a friend of mine had died unexpectedly from suicide in high school, how their funeral was taken over by the family to preach things my friend didn’t believe in, how it all felt deeply dissatisfying and wrong that this was the closure of their life. I thought that taking control of these things by confronting them while you’re still alive might have been one of the bravest and most impressive things I had heard of.
But, there may be wisdom in confronting death with a mock funeral even for those who are young and not expected to die soon. Going back to the quote that opened the episode, Marcus Aurelius was employing a practice of accepting everything that had happened up until then as a previous life, as a way of framing the present. How are you living your life today? Is it being held down by the chains of the past? If you died right this moment, and then were given another chance to enter your body and start living your life again, do you think it would change how you chose to spend the rest of the day? I’d wager that for many of us, that would be exactly the case. Seeing today as the first day of a new and limited life is a different perspective from the one we often have while we go through our activities, taking the continuation of our life for granted. This is a method of letting go of that past, coming to terms with what has behind you, and having gratitude and excitement for the life you have left to live.
In South Korea, the Hyowon Healing Centre offers just such a service for people of any age. Those wishing to experience a funeral will have memorial photos taken, write out a Last Will and Testament, and then will undergo a mock funeral which involves laying down in the darkness of a closed casket for 10 minutes. The goal is not only to help people process questions around the process of death, but to bring awareness to the important topics of now. It’s considered an opportunity to realize what is important in life, let go of small grudges and disagreements, have empathy towards other people, and even help those who are struggling with suicidal urges to understand the impact that their death would have on those who love them.
If you like the idea of confronting death and your questions about it, but feel that going through a mock funeral is going too far, there’s another practice that’s gaining favor: the death cafe. Although a death cafe sounds pretty ominous, it’s about as positive as a social meeting about death can be. Participants meet up to discuss death over tea and cakes. Nobody is expected to take any action or reach any conclusion about what death means to them or what does or doesn’t come after. Instead, the focus is on creating a positive environment where the taboo of discussing death can be lifted, and people can find support and kinship in others who are at various stages of their own journey. In fact, the website deathcafe.com has a section for upcoming meetings, and I was amazed at just how many meetings are happening every day around the world for this exact purpose. Of course, due to the pandemic situation which is still ongoing, many of these events are currently being hosted virtually. Additionally, I noted that many meetups also encourage donations to Hospice and Palliative Care organizations, which I feel is a great way to channel anxiety and discomfort around the topic into something which makes a positive impact for somebody.
This last year in particular may have a profound impact on how society views death and the grieving or celebration period of an end of life. A great many families went through personal tragedies when loved ones passed without any of the family permitted to be nearby, and in many cases with no chance of having a funeral at all due to restrictions on gatherings and a funeral home backlog that in many places has not been seen for generations. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if trauma of this kind did encourage people to reframe how they see end of life celebrations, and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if these living funerals become a more accepted practice as a result.
If it seems like I talk about death a lot on this channel, I can only say that it’s the great ontological construct which frames so much of philosophy and how we live our lives. It’s seldom a comfortable topic to discuss, but doing so is something we owe ourselves if we want to avoid getting to the end of our lives unprepared and unfulfilled. So, in light of this information, I’d like to ask you; would you be willing to attend a funeral for yourself while you were still alive?
Thank you for sharing your time with me while I discussed this somber but important topic. Please feel free to share any thoughts or feelings this episode might have brought up for you. Until next time, it’s been a pleasure as always.
